Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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