i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM