omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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