Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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