i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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