I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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