Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
there is glitter all over my balls
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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