I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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