I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
