I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
