Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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