OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
