He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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