So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Randomize
