He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
