Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
