im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
