I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
