I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize