How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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