it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
