man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
