i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
