My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
