Please, let me fuck your mom
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
