Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
