In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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