Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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