It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
