In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
