...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
