Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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