I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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