I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
please come you make the beer taste better
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
