I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
