I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
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I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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