I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Drake has all the answers
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
