Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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