I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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