i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
