I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
