3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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