he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
