I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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