My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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