mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
