There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
