i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
