just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
