Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
