I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
