you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
