Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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